Chapter 79

79. I Don't Want to Remember the Past

To talk about something else for a moment, there is nothing around me.

That isn't a metaphor or anything like that.

To be exact, there used to be all sorts of things around me.

But as time passed, they slowly disappeared.

Until eventually, I was the only one left.

[Are you okay? You're not hurt anywhere, are you?]

...At least this guy makes it feel like I'm still in a fantasy world. That's probably why I'm keeping my sanity. Long live games, damn it.

The story I'm about to tell isn't interesting.

It isn't touching either.

It doesn't mean anything.

It's already in the past.

A past I'd tried hundreds of times to forget, and had finally managed to bury.

Even so, now that those memories were forcing themselves back into my mind, there was nothing I could do except accept them.

When I was ten years old, the rest of my family said they were going to visit some relatives.

For some reason, I just couldn't be bothered to go.

The young me threw a tantrum and insisted that I didn't want to visit our relatives.

I even said some things that probably hurt my parents.

At the time, I thought I was just joking.

Thinking back on it now, they were things I never should have said.

Then and now, I've always been terrible at jokes.

Only I thought they were jokes.

What an idiot.

Someone who's serious all the time and almost never jokes shouldn't suddenly make harsh jokes. Why didn't I understand something that simple back then?

After I complained for a long time, my parents eventually left for our relatives' house without me.

Even after hearing their son's unpleasant words, they smiled at me before leaving and told me to look after the house.

I really was a terribly loved son.

"Son~ Make sure you take good care of the house, okay?"

"Yes!"

"And exercise a little while you're home! If you keep staring at the computer like that, you're going to get a slipped disc someday and won't even be able to sit properly!"

"Then I'll just live lying down! Ahaha!"

"Good grief... Fine. We'll be back soon~"

It wasn't like I hated my parents.

Normally, I followed them wherever they went.

I simply didn't want to leave the house that day.

That was all.

So I sent my parents away while making another stupid joke that wasn't even funny.

And that was the last time I ever saw them like that.

Later, one of my relatives rushed to my house and dragged me to the hospital.

My parents hadn't stopped breathing yet.

They looked directly into my eyes.

They cried.

They apologized to me.

And I couldn't look away.

I couldn't believe what was happening.

So I just kept staring into those two pairs of eyes that were staring back at me.

That was when it started.

Looking someone directly in the eyes became unbearably difficult for me.

Of course, it wasn't like that incident suddenly turned me into a timid person.

I'd already been that kind of person.

That incident simply made it much worse.

Afterward, a relative who felt sorry for me adopted me.

I suppose I should have called them my new father and mother.

It took me a long time to finally grow attached to them.

And just when I thought I'd finally found somewhere I belonged again...

Their child, my cousin, died from an illness.

And it wasn't only that cousin.

Slowly.

One after another.

The people around me disappeared.

Eventually, funeral halls became familiar places to me.

"...In-gwang, from now on, you're truly my son. Remember that."

"...Yes..."

"I'll try my best to become your father too. So please... try just a little as well."

"...Yes..."

With one blood relative dying after another, the atmosphere in the family sank lower and lower.

I was the adopted child they had taken in.

I couldn't even look people properly in the eyes.

I always wanted to lock myself inside the house.

There was no way someone like me could cheer those two up.

Even so...

They still reached out to me.

Even when I was struggling.

Even when everything between us felt painfully awkward.

Maybe they saw me as a replacement for their dead child.

Maybe that was why they tried harder to treat me well.

Why they cherished me even more.

And perhaps that was why, whenever they saw me doing something out of habit, they sometimes suddenly became angry.

Maybe hearing my voice reminded them of him and made them depressed.

"Why are you always like this?! That child was never like this!"

"...! My mother... My real mother wasn't like this either! She never treated me like this!"

"Why, you...!"

Slap!

We could have filled the empty spaces inside each other.

But neither of us thought of the other as someone who could fill those empty spaces.

After that, strange accidents continued happening around me.

Not only to my relatives.

My friends.

My school.

Even my military unit.

For some strange reason, incidents and accidents happened constantly wherever I went.

I knew.

I knew that accidents could happen anywhere, anytime, to anyone.

I was simply unlucky.

That's all.

And yet...

The friend I liked.

The school I thought was nice.

The environment I'd finally grown comfortable with.

The places that accepted me.

The people who cared about me.

Something always happened to them.

A friend of mine was being bullied somewhere I didn't know about and eventually committed suicide.

A massive fire broke out at my school, forcing me to transfer elsewhere.

And as for the military...

Well, minor accidents happened all the time there, so I tried not to think too much about them.

But when people close to me kept getting dragged into those accidents...

I felt like I was going insane.

Was it because of me?

Was I cursed?

Sometimes I thought my own actions had caused some of those things.

No.

Some of them definitely had.

I was someone who caused problems.

Someone who created them.

"I-In-gwang, are you free today?"

"Huh? Sounds annoying."

"Ah, no... I mean, if you're okay with it, maybe we could go to a PC café together..."

"Come on, where would I get money for that? If I've got PC café money, I should save it and buy myself a nice hot bowl of gukbap!"

"H-Haha... That meme's already outdated... And you! You go to PC cafés whenever you have money!"

"Mmm~ Too much trouble! I'm really not feeling it today!"

"...Okay. See you."

"Yeah. See you tomorrow."

If I'd gotten just a little closer to that friend who was being bullied...

If I'd paid just a little more attention to his expression...

If I hadn't simply said I was too lazy when he asked me to hang out and gone home...

Maybe things would have been different.

"Hey, you idiots! What are you doing playing around with a fire extinguisher?!"

"Ah! Ahaha! W-We'll put it back right now!"

"Put it back where it belongs!"

"...Hey, do you remember where this thing originally was?"

"In-gwang, you're the one who brought it over."

"Huh? Wasn't me... Whatever. There's no fire extinguisher here, so it'll probably be fine if we leave it here, right?"

"Hmm... Should be okay, shouldn't it?"

If I hadn't been running around school with my friends...

If we hadn't found that fire extinguisher by chance and played around with it...

If I hadn't left it somewhere completely different afterward...

Maybe that fire wouldn't have swallowed the entire school.

"...I'm leaving."

"...Work hard."

"...Would it kill you to say 'come back safely'...?"

"What did you say?"

"Nothing. Go back inside."

"...All right... Take care."

If I'd opened my heart to the people who took me in...

If I'd told them how I truly felt before leaving for the military...

Maybe those two wouldn't have escaped through death before they could wait for me to finish my service.

Why had I been like that?

If only I hadn't acted that way.

If only I hadn't said those things.

If only I'd paid a little more attention.

If only I'd stayed a little farther away.

If only I hadn't learned certain things.

If only they hadn't met me.

If only I hadn't dreamed of happiness that I didn't deserve.

If only...

Eventually, I found one escape.

Games.

Only inside games could I finally relax.

Because the things that died because of me were just characters.

So I could ignore it.

Even then, I avoided games that involved playing closely with lots of people.

Just in case.

Just in case...

If I got close to someone again...

Who knew what would happen?

But people don't change easily.

Even though avoiding eye contact had caused problems, I still refused to look people in the eyes.

Even though taking things too lightly had caused problems, I was still careless.

Even though keeping my feelings hidden had caused problems, I still couldn't easily express what I felt.

There wasn't some complicated reason.

I was afraid.

That was all.

If I looked someone in the eyes, they might become like my parents.

If I stopped acting like a careless idiot, no one would gather around me.

If I told someone how I really felt, they might hate me.

I was afraid.

When it came to accidents, sometimes I wished I could at least hate the person responsible.

But strangely enough, whenever an accident happened, the one who caused it usually died together with the people I cared about.

So even my anger lost its destination.

It wandered around without anywhere to go.

Which meant the wolf was probably the first person I'd ever truly gotten angry at.

It really was unfamiliar.

Eventually, everyone around me died or disappeared.

One day, there wasn't a single person left who would come looking for me.

And I stood there alone like an idiot, trying to forget the past.

Whenever I closed my eyes, those memories returned.

I couldn't sleep at night.

Simple habits would suddenly bring back memories that tore at my heart.

Something I read somewhere would remind me of what I'd experienced and make it feel like my head was splitting apart.

For around two years, I spent my days sitting blankly alone in my room.

Doing nothing.

Trying to forget everything.

I played games without thinking.

I tried to cover everything that had happened to me by pretending those things had only happened to game characters.

But the past kept coming back every moment.

It tormented me so much that even while playing games, those memories kept circling through my head.

Because of that, I went to a hospital for a while.

I even tried something like counseling.

But simply meeting another person made my emotions jump all over the place.

It actually made me even more anxious.

So I stopped.

Then, by chance, I saw the trailer for a certain game.

That game was World Gate.

When I saw that trailer for the first time, my heart started pounding.

It was the first time in a very long while.

Not the kind of pounding that meant I needed medicine.

A genuinely pleasant excitement.

How should I describe it?

It felt like...

Maybe I could restart my life.

Like I could overwrite the disaster that had become my life.

Something like that.

So I applied to become a tester.

And I became one.

Because I was excited, the past stopped surfacing.

For the first time in ages, stubbornness returned to me.

It didn't suit me at all, but I found myself thinking that I absolutely wouldn't give up.

Thanks to that, I even managed to build some kind of relationship with Mr. Trainer.

And because of that...

I started longing for human warmth again.

During that time, Pie became a truly good friend to me.

It was the first time in a very long while that I'd wanted to stay beside someone.

It was...

a somewhat complicated feeling.

But that was still what I felt.

While forgetting the past and playing the game, I acted out ridiculous characters that I could never have played in reality.

And eventually...

For the first time...

I managed to overcome the memories of the past.

I looked someone directly in the eyes.

I let that person remain deeply inside both my mind and my heart.

That person was Pie.

Even if Pie was nothing more than an AI...

That alone moved me deeply.

That alone was enough to make my heart forget the past.

Only about a month had passed in reality.

But if I added the time I'd spent inside the game, it felt like I'd lived there for almost half a year.

During those six months, I learned one thing about myself.

Nothing especially impressive.

Just that I was far more possessive than I'd thought.

I hated people touching me.

And I hated people touching what belonged to me.

More than anything...

I never wanted something I'd grown attached to to suddenly disappear again.

The world had taken enough from me.

I'd lost enough.

Enough people had left me.

I'd been sad enough.

So from now on...

I would hold everything tightly in my own hands.

And I wouldn't let go.

Anyone who deceived me...

Anyone who fooled me...

Anyone who tried to steal what belonged to me...

I would never forgive them.

Even if this was only a game.

...

Anyway.

Having remembered the past unintentionally, even though I desperately didn't want to...

I decided I might as well use that past as fuel to move myself forward.

[You're really okay, right? Sitting there all gloomy and then suddenly grinning by yourself is honestly a little scary...]

Nod, nod.

[...Really?]

I still couldn't say I'd overcome that past.

Even now, as I rose from that black-and-white world back toward the deep sea, it hurt terribly.

But there was something I had to do.

Part of me honestly wanted to throw everything away and disappear somewhere until I forgot all of this again.

But before that, there was something I needed to deal with first.

The unfortunate part was that this was a gamble.

Yet another gamble.

I often joked that life was gambling, but I never expected I'd have to depend on words like maybe and what if even at a moment like this.

"A-Ah...! I can't believe it! Me! I'm moving this freely underwater!"

After returning all the way to the merfolk's castle, the merfolk swam freely through the water while shedding tears of joy.

Their figures blended with the dazzling light from the colorful coral.

It was truly spectacular.

"You are our hero!"

[A Promotion Quest has appeared!]

[Your many achievements, created through your indomitable spirit, have caused others to call you a hero!]

[However, if just anyone could become a hero, the brilliance of that title would lose its meaning!]

[Find the Hall of Heroes and be reborn as a true hero!]

What a spectacular sight!

Merfolk are the best!

Miss Octopus...

No, our adorable Spoti really was a little bundle of good fortune!

If you hadn't spared me back then, would I ever have gotten this far?!

Ehehehe!

...

Wait.

That's not what I'm supposed to be thinking.

Why do I always become like this whenever I'm playing games...?

[A powerful connection is being felt from your lost half!]

[A Quest has appeared!]

['So you've finally made yourself into a proper vessel.']

[Your other half, who has grown overwhelmingly powerful, has finally given you an opportunity!]

[Become a vessel worthy of his acknowledgment and take your first step toward becoming completely whole with your missing half!]

[Quest Rewards: Title and Achievement System, Skill 'Incomplete Rampage', Skill 'Incomplete Explosion'.]

[Class Advancement Quest: 'The Continuing Penance of Madness'.]

Khh...

Khehehe...

Hoo...

Get serious.

I need to handle things seriously from this point onward...

Hehehe...!

Anyway, besides that, I'd been promised all kinds of treasures.

I was even invited to become the main guest at the celebration that would begin soon.

For the first time since starting this game, I was finally being treated like an actual protagonist.

But I had something I needed to do immediately.

So I'd pretend to be humble and postpone all of that.

It was almost time to return to the surface anyway.

This was the perfect moment to temporarily part ways.

The Promotion Quest and the quest Whitey had thrown at me improved my mood somewhat.

But my expression still naturally carried a gloomy look.

The merfolk noticed something was wrong.

So when I told them we'd meet again later, they prepared to see me off with bitter expressions.

I wonder if Lucy came all the way back here? She needs to have come.

BOOM!

Apparently, things on the surface had become far more urgent than I'd expected.

A tremendous impact shook even the castle on the ocean floor.

Then an unbelievable sight appeared beyond the window.

Directly above the castle...

The place that had once been filled with pitch-black darkness suddenly became bright and clear, almost as if it were directly beneath the surface.

I could even see clouds floating high in the sky.

Someone had created a massive cylindrical empty space that extended downward until it nearly reached the underwater dungeon.

It was hard to believe someone powerful enough to do this had moved just because of me.

Someone important was clearly up there.

"...The Fist King..."

The merfolk hero muttered.

The Fist King.

That was definitely the nickname of the young girl I'd encountered once when going to meet Erol.

As expected.

She really was someone worthy of standing beside a Great Hero.

This was where things became important.

From this moment onward...

I had to completely become the person I used to be.

The version of myself I desperately wanted to forget.

The version I hated seeing.

He needed to appear here.

"Ahhh... I seriously hate this."

"What? Has that person come here to capture you?"

"Huh? Uh... Probably."

Through the passage the Fist King had created, Ien descended with a terrifying expression.

In an instant, she tore through part of the castle and entered.

The way Ien dropped down looked so ridiculously cool that I almost forgot I was supposed to be acting.

But the memories of the past slowly rising inside me...

My guilt...

My regrets...

They pulled my emotions back into place.

Before I could do anything, I was grabbed and dragged all the way up above the sea.

Then I was thrown onto a gigantic warship that seemed to have been brought by Erol.

From a quick glance, it seemed my entire party was gathered there.

Lucy included.

"Mister."

"SHUT UP!"

BANG!

I grabbed my head and smashed it against the floor with all my strength.

That part wasn't acting.

It was a reflex.

A desperate attempt to erase the memories I didn't want to remember.

Still...

Maybe telling Ien to shut up had been a little too harsh.

I wondered if I'd hurt her feelings.

"Ghhh...! AAAAAH! Don't come back! Don't remember! AAAAAH! Idiot! Damn it! Please forget! Ugh... I can't forget... I can't forget it! But it hurts! I hurt them... It hurts so much...! Why did everyone leave me behind...?! Aah! Stop! STOP!"

I screamed like a madman.

I hurt myself.

Broken words spilled from my mouth without connecting properly.

Even in the past, I'd never gone this far.

Self-harm?

I hated pain.

My startled companions rushed over and grabbed me.

But my madness didn't stop.

If anything, the more they touched me, the worse it became.

The things I'd lived while forgetting...

That filthy sensation of the past slowly taking control of me again...

It made me want to stop everything immediately.

But for my plan to succeed properly...

I needed to make this a little more dramatic.

In the past, I'd hidden under my blanket, curled into a ball, and muttered these things alone.

Now...

I said every one of those thoughts out loud.

When everyone's shocked eyes gathered on me, I curled myself up in a corner and looked pitifully at them.

Every person standing there...

was different from me.

They were much more decent people.

Proper people.

They all looked so happy.

While I was hurting.

Lonely.

Miserable.

I looked at them while putting all of those thoughts into my eyes.

Ien always looked upward.

She dreamed of justice with a straight and honest heart.

She never stopped working hard.

Even though I possessed the undeserved power called Indomitable, she was probably someone far less likely to give up than me.

The Village Chief ended up like that because of me, but...

No.

Even now, he was still showing his excellent abilities.

He was a person with great character, famous for being that way even before meeting me.

Malrang possessed a dazzling purity.

Even if something brought absolutely no benefit to herself, if it could help someone else, she was the kind of person who would reach out without hesitation.

As for the rest...

Whatever.

Either way, they were definitely far better people than someone as pathetic as me.

"...Don't look at me... Don't do... anything..."

Clatter!

I pulled out a chain and wrapped it around my neck.

Breathing roughly, I grabbed both sides and pulled with all my strength.

More than any other moment...

This was what frightened me most.

There was one decisive reason I'd survived despite everything I'd gone through.

I was a coward.

Far too much of a coward.

After watching everyone's lives come to an end, I became terrified of endings themselves.

Even if I hurt myself...

Even if I desperately wanted to die...

I was too afraid of death to actually do it.

So all I could do was keep dragging myself through life.

When I opened my eyes, Angel Noona was standing in front of me.

Other than when I logged in or out, I hadn't seen her much lately.

Strangely, it felt nice seeing her again.

Perhaps because she'd watched everything I'd done from above, she looked calmer than my companions had.

Still, judging from her expression...

She didn't seem pleased with the ending I'd chosen.

What a relief.

I hated the way I'd looked at the end too.

Never thought we'd find common ground over something like this.

"...Why did you do that?"

"To show them."

"What if your companions see that and decide to invade Karantlia? The seal that was restraining the merfolk is gone now. It really could turn into a war."

"It won't happen. Didn't you see Erol's face?"

I might be able to deceive everyone else...

But I couldn't fool a Great Hero.

The eyes of that absolute being standing behind everyone and watching everything were frightening.

Yet those eyes also contained enough strength for me to trust him with what came next.

Even if my companions misunderstood the situation, became furious, and tried charging straight into the sea...

Erol would obviously stop them.

Actually...

That would be kind of moving.

Everyone going that far for me!

Still...

It wouldn't be fun.

The merfolk were now completely free in the ocean.

I didn't think a handful of people could defeat them.

They'd probably lose miserably.

Explaining everything afterward would be difficult...

But that was a problem for later.

Right now...

It was my turn to hear an explanation.

I gave Angel Noona a casual goodbye and returned to reality.

Coming back to reality always made my heart heavy.

But I don't think I'd ever been as afraid of returning as I was now.

My quiet, dark room felt like the blanket I'd once hidden underneath.

Not a place that felt warm and comforting.

A place that barely held me together.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Out of habit, I bumped my head against the wall.

Then I repeatedly struck the wall with my fist.

It was an old habit I'd forgotten.

Using pain to cut off my thoughts.

Maybe I should consider myself lucky that I hated pain enough to never become too violent with it.

"Hoo! AAAAAH! Calm down! Ngh!"

There was only one way I knew to survive this feeling.

Remain calm.

That was all.

To keep myself from completely losing my mind, I had to look at reality even more coldly.

I'd never learned any other way to hold myself together.

"..."

Just a little longer.

A little longer.

I sat inside the room where not a single sound could be heard and waited.

If things didn't work out...

Then things would end however they ended.

So I wasn't impatient.

From my small room, the front door was directly visible.

I stared at it with hollow eyes.

Please.

Please...

I prayed that nothing would come searching for me from beyond that door.

Beep, beep, beep.

But my hopes shattered.

It became harder and harder to keep myself together.

This time, it wasn't the past trying to destroy me.

It was the present.

"Haa... Haa..."

The person who opened the door was a beautiful woman drenched in sweat, as though she'd rushed here as fast as she could.

Lucy Lowell.

...

She should've just stayed away.

Lucy wiped the sweat running down her forehead and staggered toward me.

Her expression was filled with regret and pain.

She looked like she could start crying at any second.

And slowly...

She walked toward me, the person who wanted to cry more than anyone else in the world at that moment.

She looked down at me as I looked up at her.

Her hand trembled with countless worries, regrets, and hesitation.

Then she slowly reached toward me...

And gently embraced me.

"...Don't cry..."

Her own voice was trembling.

Wet with tears.

Yet she still comforted me and told me not to cry.

My hands were trembling too.

Slowly, I wrapped my arms around her.

Maybe it was because of what I'd experienced inside the black-and-white world...

I couldn't believe it, but...

I could clearly feel the flow inside the woman in my arms.

I was probably insane.

How could I believe that a sensation created by a game system could exist in reality?

How could I interfere with her flow this easily?

I was simply convincing myself that I could.

Right?

...

In that case...

Let's be insane for just a little while.

Grip.

"...Kugh! W-What are you...!"

If I was already insane...

Then fine.

I might as well go completely insane.

With her flow completely seized, Lucy Lowell could no longer move even the tips of her fingers.

Tears gathered in her eyes as she glanced sideways at me, unable to understand what was happening.

Her veins bulged.

Her bones creaked.

Her eyes became bloodshot.

It must have been extremely painful.

I stopped crying.

The madness disappeared.

And with anger filling my voice, I spoke to her.

To this woman who dared to wear Pie's appearance.

Who said things that reminded me of Pie.

Who had even spoken to Malrang as though she herself were Pie.

She had walked into my memories of Pie with dirty feet.

She had carelessly stood near me.

She had disgustingly filled my mind with confusion.

So I asked her one final question.

"Who are you?"

Then, with cold rage in my voice, I added,

"Tell me as your last words."